Now Matt can be quiet!

Let's see if I can get the hang of this blogging thing... should be an adventure...

The Robin Chronicles II...Part 3

-I love the hotels where the elevator has no inspection permit, or even note saying it is in the maintenance office. And when they replace the steel cables with bungee cords so when you reach your floor the elevator bounces up & down, and you come to a “stop” about a ½” below your floor. Lovely. Sue the bastards if I ever die in an elevator....

-I went to Niagara falls one day up in Canada, mostly through the kind gesture of one of my mom’s friends who lives up that way who drove 90 minutes to pick me up, to drive an hour back the way he came and played tour guide. I gotta say it’s impressive, not Grand Canyon impressive, but still pretty awesome. I’d like to go back and do the Maiden of the Mist boat ride and the Hurricane deck on the USA side.

-Niagara Falls Labor Day Weekend, not a great idea. We were literally the last car allowed in the parking lot before they closed the gate. Not that I saw a lot of parking other than the massive lot we were in.  It was like the freaking United Nations around the falls. Buddhists, Muslims, one Jew, blacks, Latinos, asians, white people, lesbians, goths, emo esque people, high heels, club clothes, it was all there, awesome people watching!

-We did Niagara on the Lake, which was neat, but more like old school Freeport with little shops and stuff, not really my thing.

-And Wineries. Holy Shit. They grow grapes up there like they grow corn in Iowa. Vineyards and wineries were everywhere. If you like wine, the area between Toronto and Niagara is for you. And they even have this crazy wine called ice wine. They way it was explained to me is they grow the grapes just like normal, but then wait until it gets down to about minus 5 Celsius and then pick the frozen grapes and make wine. And it’s apparently wicked expensive. One guy I worked with said it was very sweet, a dessert wine, and pricey. I’ll just take another Rickard’s Red.

-Nothing like getting lost at the Border Crossing, driving across multiple lanes of traffic, back-tracking, walking a half mile after parking to find out where you had to be is where you parked (It looked like a damm UPS terminal, not a Customs building) walking around, driving the wrong way through the Customs gate because the other lane was closed. Fun shit. Fun like hemorrhoids.

-So I cross over the bridge and pull up to the truck area on the US side, where the Border agents wear guns. And after I give Mr. Happy my paperwork, passport and license, I have to pay the toll. And of course all I have is Canadian money in my pocket. So I simply stand up, unlock the door to the back of the truck and walk in the back to where my American money is in my laptop case. I’ve never been so happy to pay a toll before.

-Back in the US, where the money is all green, speed limits are in miles per hours, I can read all the signs, and ESPN is on TV, Wooo Hooo!

-My truck, yup, she’s a beast. Turns and drive kinda like a battle ship. And as for acceleration, she’s all shit, no git.

-With a massive 13.5 liter Cummins diesel engine with an Allison transmission, she roars. And by roar, I mean always loud in the cab, and sometimes downright deafening, especially up steep hills. She’s all roar, no bite :)

-Speaking of hills, I took a brief jaunt through West Virginia. Nothing like flooring it up a hill, make that mountain, and still watching the odometer go backwards. Good times.

-So I’m driving through the South, and there is more than one “Adult Superstore”, that’s gotta be like the Wal-Mart of dildos and blow-up dolls....

-So there a place called Licking County, Ohio. It’s the home of great foreplay and the only place where people do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop...remember those???

-The Real Sports Bar and Grill in Toronto. 199 TV’s, including a flat screen above every urinal and a 37 FOOT HD screen above the bar.

-Entering Nashville, there’s a giant billboard that reads “End Socialism, Vote Republican” with a picture of Obama. It wouldn’t be the last billboard like that I’d see in my travels, not that it’s really all that far off the mark...

-Big Bone State Lick park, KY. I don’t even have to say anything.

-South Central Kentucky Cultural Center. If it had been open, I would have stopped.

-Passed a place in Texas that advertised home sales. No big deal, other than the sign said “New, used, and repossessed”. Think about that. Yup, they were talking about the trailers in the back lot.

-Forget the Ex-Lax, just eat some Tex-Mex...

-So I saw this guy in a store. And I’m not sure if he was a midget or if he was wearing his wife’s capri’s...

-Yummmmm is not something a fat chick (especially a sloppy one) should have on the back of her shirt. Ever.

-I stop in Memphis to eat at Uncle Lou’s Fried Chicken from Diner’s, Drive-ins, and Dives. Yup, it’s in the part of Memphis where white people should not go after dark. Wait, that’s all of Memphis. Ya, it’s in a baaad part. But the fried chicken was good, the biscuit was excellent, the sweet tea was good, and I was not a fan of the fried dill pickles. They fry the spears, not the pickle chips, but I’m not a huge pickle person anyways.

-The highlight, other than the chicken, had to be the two chicks. Smokin hot chicks. Traveling together with their dog from out-of-state. One was always outside in the damm heat with their dog, but hot damm, bite-my-hand hot. The dudes at the counter could not have been more helpful, kinda of humorous to observe:) Granted, other than the Mountain-of-a-bitch-Ice-Queen at the register, the people working there were pretty nice. But the dudes got the chicks whatever they wanted, strangely, it always works that way.

-And now for a few thank-you’s. I owe Brian Mull a thank-you for letting me hang-out of Saturday and do a load of laundry, always nice to catch-up with old friends.

-And Heather Evans in Kentucky for making me dinner(tasty), letting me do the remainder of my laundry, and making me a pie(Nana still wins).

-Shawn and Melissa Whitely in Little Rock, Arkansas for food, a bed, and getting tow hang out with their two little girls. Those kids are so cute, it was nice to see ‘em.

-And a HUGE thank-you to Terry and Gayle Whitely in Tyler Texas who put up with me, fed me, and drove me around for 6 days and 5 night while my truck got two new AC’s on the back (not my fault.) It was nice to hang out with family, get my half dozen boxes of supplies shipped to me, do paperwork, and just relax and unwind for awhile. I even got to run a chainsaw for a few hours. They had some trees that needed to be cut, so I put the chain back on the saw and took care of it. Managed to sweat out an entire shirt and a pair of jeans to the freaking knees in 90 minutes. Freaking hot, and the humidity was brutal!             -Kinda fun cruising through their nice community in my big ole’ rig, and the only way to get it in their driveway so they could still get is was to back in, the road was way to narrow to turn. And the lady at the back gate hates me. I just sat there on the side of the road, nope, on the road, waiting for Terry to come lead me in, while blocking one lane on the road, b/c there was no shoulder, and I wasn’t gonna chance the side/ditch.

-Ashley U and her boyfriend Pete for showing me around Austin, letting me do laundry, and letting me park mostly in their driveway, which happens to be the same length as my truck. I was kinda on the lawn on one side, but they didn’t care. And then I ended up spending the night anyways after a few too many cold High Lifes...

“You can buy tits, but you can’t buy ass”

“Her as was so perfect, it looked like it could use a good eating, and I just wanted to eat her ass”

“Dot not feather”

“My doctor says I have a tar deficiency”

“Beef, do you see a vagina over here?”